As Day Thirty ends, it was a short but very painful day for Jenny and I. To begin, over these past few weeks I’ve earned the trust of the hospital ward to watch over Jenny when I am beside her so whenever I show up the assigned health care aides know they can leave Jenny unattended and do other tasks. Before I arrived today I went to a restaurant nearby to eat lunch. After I arrived, my stomach started feeling upset but I ignored it. I first noticed Jenny was very restless and continues to lie horizontally in bed. I lower the bottom railing of the hospital bed and sit beside her. I then see her grab the upper railing and try to pull herself up over and over again but the cozy mitt is on her only operative arm so she cannot grip the railing enough to pull herself far. Over the next few minutes, I begin feeling very nauseous and begin to dry heave. I left the hospital bed to grab the chair in the corner to sit down properly. As I continued to dry heave, more and more saliva seeps out so I grab the small garbage bin and place it in front of me fully expecting the worst to come out. My body is in a lot of pain and I push the chair to the back wall so I can rest my head against it. My eyes close as I focus and tell my body to ignore the pain. It is a very tough few minutes and with my eyes closed I fully focus to avoid throwing up in the hospital. To me, throwing up is the worst case scenario right now. Well, I thought it was until all of a sudden I hear an unfamiliar sound… like a sliding noise. Sort of like *shwoop*. My eyes can barely open right now due to the pain but when I open them… I see Jenny lying on the floor. Jenny lying on the floor. All of a sudden Jenny who was just on the bed a moment ago is now lying on the floor and she is moaning in pain while struggling helplessly. I go absolute full on panic mode. I quickly realize I am all alone in the room and Jenny is lying on the floor. I immediately go to her and support her head. Did she bang her head? What happened? I search for the call button. I cannot find it. The button is not in it’s usual spot. Why isn’t it in it’s usual spot? It’s always hanging off the side of the bed and it has been there every single day I’ve been here except today. Surely it’s still there and I just can’t find it so I continue to search for it while trying to support Jenny. It’s just not here, I cannot find it. There really is no call button. Jenny has fallen onto the floor and I am really alone in the room. I do not know what to do. Jenny is moaning in pain. I have no choice, I have to leave Jenny to call for help. I apologize to her profusely and say I have to be right back and run right into the hallway and the first person I see I yell that Jenny fell off the bed onto the floor. In less than a minute 7 different people are in the room checking Jenny, her vitals and her head while figuring out how to lift her back onto the bed. I mentioned I couldn’t find the call button, and the reason is because someone put the call button in the wrong place against the corner wall and not in it’s normal spot beside the bed. The one day it’s not in the proper spot and it’s the one day I needed it the most. I am hunched over because of the intense physical pain from the upset stomach but the mental pain is even worse. I discover the only reason Jenny was able to slide off the bed was because I lowered the bottom railing and forgot to put it back up before I sat down in the chair. I do not know exactly how Jenny fell after she slid off the bed. I do not know if she banged her head on the floor, or worse, the sharp metal corner of the IV stand. I do not know if she rolled on the floor first then banged her head afterwards. I was the only one there when she fell on the floor and I don’t even know what happened. The only thing I do know is that I now lost the trust of this hospital wing and I also lost the trust in myself. I failed Jenny today. I feel miserable and due to the physical pain I’m in, I am forced to leave early and go home. I have no actual updates on Jenny today. All I know is that she is worse today because I came to visit. I hurt her today due my irresponsibility. I am so very extremely disappointed in myself. I am so, so sorry Jenny. Please tell me I did not cause any further brain damage. If I did, I will never forgive myself.

As Day Twenty-Nine ends, Jenny was more settled throughout the day. There were less erratic movements but she does keep shifting to lie horizontally in bed instead of the normal vertical position. I was told she should be in the vertical position as much as possible because she still has her N.G. (feeding tube) and if she isn’t in an upright position it’s a potential choking hazard. She is often re-positioned but always ends up sliding herself to eventually lie horizontally. Today all her vitals are reasonable and I was told her speech is making a bit more sense by the morning nurse. She is beginning to respond in English if someone talks to her in English instead of exclusively answering in Tagalog. I was advised to start bringing in things that might help jog Jenny’s memory so I brought her favorite sweater but she said she did not recognize it. I also brought her favorite teddy bear which she did recognize and I was happy to hear this. The teddy bear stays with her everyday now.

As Day Twenty-Eight ends, Jenny’s vitals are almost all normal. Her white blood cell count is 7.7 which means the infection is cleared and she just needs to finish her antibiotic dosage. They did not determine what exact type of infection it was, but at least it’s gone. When I walked in to see Jenny today, she was not sleeping in the normal bed position but to my surprise she was completely sideways. She is very small, so it was very easy for her to shift sideways in the bed. As the evening went on, the nurses and health care aides would keep repositioning her to the normal sleeping position and she would eventually just start turning until she was sideways. I kept asking her why she does this and she replied “I don’t know”. The other phrases she said to me today were very heartbreaking, especially after the ones she said yesterday. Today she also said “I should not have gone.”, “I should have called.” and “I should have gone home.” I know she is reliving the crash over and over again inside her mind as it is by far the most prominent thing she talks about whenever she’s able to convey whole thoughts. It is agonizing enough to see Jenny in so much physical pain but to know she’s heavily suffering even further in her mind is just excruciating. I go over my thoughts about this in more detail with the latest entry of Jenny’s Journal at https://jennysrecovery.ca/jennys-journal/entry-06-hopes-and-dreams/

As Day Twenty-Seven ends, the C.T. scan report returned and there are no signs of internal bleeding inside Jenny. They are unsure where the bleeding is originating from but she was given Apixaban for blood clots. Her white blood cell count is 9.7 which is much better than the 14.8 four days ago. Sadly, her right arm seems to be getting worse as the days go on. I used to be able to stretch out her fingers nearly straight out, but she says it’s painful at half the way now. Her arm is almost always curled into her chest and I used to be able to almost stretch it straight but she says it’s very painful when I just try to move it. As a reminder, one of the potential reasons the O.T. (Occupational Therapy) team says her right arm might be like this is because she might be subconsciously trying to protect her right side as it suffered so much in the crash. Her right eye also remains unresponsive. The phrases she said today were “Thank you”, “Maybe I’m not okay” and “My right arm hurts.”

As Day Twenty-Six ends, the S.L.P. (Speech-Language Pathologists) team finally came in to administer the test that would allow Jenny to have her N.G. feeding tube removed. They’re the experts to determine if Jenny can eat and drink properly. With her N.G. removed she can finally have her cozy mitts removed which would grant freedom in her only functioning arm. I was not present during the test so I don’t know what it entails, but I do know that unfortunately, Jenny failed the test which means the N.G. and cozy mitt stays until they come back for another test.

Jenny’s red blood cell count was very low so she was given 3 units of blood. She was bleeding from her nose and her mouth over the past two days, so they think she is internally bleeding somewhere and was sent for a C.T. scan with pending results. I learned that the T.B.I. (Traumatic Brain Injury) team will not consider taking Jenny in for the next step of brain recovery until she’s cleared from the S.L.P. team.

Her nurse this evening was [Redacted upon request], an expert in surgical oncology. He taught me a lot of brand new ways to help Jenny including different types of massages to prevent atrophy in all her muscles around her body. He was a great presence and I am very glad to have met him.

Lastly, I paid my first visit to the Manitoba Brain Injury Association today. It is a group of individuals who all suffered brain injuries that meet once a week to do activities but also discuss how they’ve adapted or coped with the struggles of trying to live a normal life. I was welcomed with open arms and I truly learned a lot from this first meeting. I hope to go next week as I’d to learn more about life from their perspective which will help me move forward in my new life journey with Jenny.

As Day Twenty-Five ends, it is a tough day for Jenny and I. Starting with vitals, everything is average except her hemoglobin (protein in blood that transports oxygen) is low. Her white blood cell count is 12.3 meaning the unknown infection is slowly dissipating. Her T.B.I. (Traumatic Brain Injury) assessment is scheduled for tomorrow. During the evening, I ask Jenny the same basic questions such as “Do you remember me?” which she usually responds “Yes” and then I follow up with “Do you remember my name?” which she always responds “No”. The next question is something that I don’t ask often – I ask “Are you coming back to me?” and though she usually responds “Yes” this time she responds “No”. I’m taken aback, so I ask her again, “Are you coming back to me?” and she responds “No”. I am hoping that maybe she is confused or her brain is floating in and out so I desperately ask her one more time “Are you coming back to me?” and she responds “No”.

I become very dejected as the evening goes on but unbeknownst to me the worst is yet to come. At 9:33pm the health care aide, [Redacted upon request], comes in and asks me how Jenny is doing and I say she’s not doing too well as she is restless and might be in pain so I ask Jenny if she is in pain for verbal confirmation and as I look at her carefully for an answer I notice there is blood going down her neck again. I look at her nose, because that’s where the blood came from yesterday, but it is dry. Instead, the blood is coming from the edge of her mouth. Jenny is spitting out blood. I immediately hit the call button and her assigned nurse for the night, [Redacted upon request], comes in and we start cleaning her up immediately. After we’re done cleaning [Redacted upon request] gets a wooden tongue depressor and asks Jenny to open her mouth a bit so she can examine where the blood is coming from. She does not cooperate. I ask Jenny to please listen to [Redacted upon request] so we can see why there was so much blood, and she does not cooperate. I beg Jenny to please let [Redacted upon request] have a look so we can help her, and she does not cooperate. Jenny just continued to stare blankly at the wall. It’s only after the third time asking and lack of response that something in me just completely breaks down and the tears begin.

Jenny does not speak for the rest of the evening and eventually I am asked to go home for the night. I could only walk with tears streaming down my face. I feel useless. I cannot help her. I cannot do anything.

As Day Twenty-Four ends, Jenny’s white blood cell count has dropped from yesterdays 14.8 to 12.8 today which means the antibiotics have been cooperative and working against her infection. Unfortunately, the blood work and urinalysis report have not come back yet so we don’t know what the exact infection is so she’s still on general antibiotics. This morning the staples in her left arm were approved for removal and have been removed with no issues. I have posted comparison pictures below of her arm from Day Three in the SICU to today so you can see how far her left arm has recovered. Jenny has new red stains on her cozy mitt, and upon carefully examining I notice it is dried up blood. I went to go check her body for any signs of blood but saw nothing but as I checked her face I noticed there are dried up patches of blood in her nostrils, the area around the N.G. and her philtrum (the area between the nostrils and upper lip).As I examine the dried up blood patches, I begin to see fresh blood begin to leak out. I go to grab some napkins to clean it up and by the time I come back there’s even more blood pouring out her nose dripping into her mouth and even down her neck. I hit the call button for the nurse as I try to prevent the blood from dripping further. As the nurse comes, we continuously clean up Jenny together and eventually a blood clot falls out her nose. The nurse asked Jenny if she was in pain and she responded yes, so she was given pain medication. I asked Jenny if she could feel her right arm at all and she said “no.” Lastly, the T.B.I. (Traumatic Brain Injury) team is set to come see Jenny in 2 days time to administer a test to see if she’s ready for the next step of their recovery process.

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Warning: Images of Jenny’s left arm progression from Day Three to Day Twenty-Four below

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As Day Twenty-Three ends, I received some extra technical information about Jenny’s condition. Starting with her most recent blood work, her white blood cell count jumped from 9 (normal) to 14.8 (very high) which suggests she has an infection somewhere in her body. She’s been started on a general antibiotic as they wait for the blood culture test and urine bacteria test which takes a few days to determine exactly what’s the cause. Once they find out the exact cause they will adjust the general antibiotic to specifically target the infection. They did a chest X-Ray today and it showed nothing significant which is good but she still does not show signs of movement in her right arm and her right eye still does not respond to any stimulus.

Lastly, there was a very important milestone passed today. From all the way back at Day Fourteen, one day after Jenny was able to begin speaking, it was the first time I heard Jenny say “Make it five”, “Make it seven” and “Make it ten”. Since then, she would often repeat this but change the number and I’ve been desperately trying to figure out what she meant. All I had done was continuously ask her what she meant over and over again but she could never explain it to me. Only today, finally, after so much frustration, I figured out what she’s been trying to say to me this entire time.

This evening, as I was looking at her, I saw her left eye move somewhere right before she said “Make it nine.” so on a whim I decided to try something new and look at the room from her perspective. I’ll post Jenny’s view so you have a chance to figure it out before I reveal it.

“Make it seven.” means it’s seven o’clock. “Make it nine” means it’s nine o’clock. “Make it ten.” means it’s ten o’clock. After realizing this I asked Jenny if she was trying to tell me what time it was, and she said yes. I thought about it, then asked her if she is trying to tell me to go home, and she said yes.

This meant that the entire time, ever since Day Fourteen, one day after she was able to say her first words again, Jenny has been trying to tell me to go home because it’s getting late. It means Jenny knows I’ve been here everyday. Though she cannot remember my name yet, she acknowledges I’ve been beside her. This entire time Jenny was just trying to tell me

“Steven, it is getting late. You need to go home and get some rest.”

The amount of tears that suddenly streamed down my face after finally realizing what Jenny meant the whole time was very, very unsightly but it gave me so much reassurance to keep moving forward because it is concrete proof that pieces of her are slowly coming back.

As Day Twenty-Two ends, it was another overall slow day. Jenny has a new “cozy” mitt which is much cleaner than the original one she got all the way back from her time in the SICU. The first mitt had lot of unsanitary stains from her scratching different areas over time, and she kept touching her forehead and face with it so it really troubled me but there were simply no more mitts in stock until today. I am so very happy she has a new, clean mitt. Jenny has been sleeping more often and spends very little time awake. When she is awake, she slowly tries to talk but it’s not close to normal conversation still. She does not remember my name, but says yes when I ask her if she knows who I am and that is more than good enough for me. Physiotherapy did a mobility test before I got here, but the nurse does not have access to the report so I don’t know the results but I do know the Occupational Therapy team ordered a new splint for her right arm and wrist. I also learned her food tube is referred to as “N.G.” which stands for Nasogastric Tube so I’ll be writing it as N.G. from now on. She has not pulled out her N.G. for the last two days which has made everyone on the floor happy including myself since that means her body has been receiving consistent nutrition for at least the past 48 hours.

As Day Twenty-One ends, Jenny was able to have her dressings removed from her right and left arms as the incisions of the surgeries are clean and show no signs of infection. Unfortunately, she is still not able to move her right arm and her right eye still does not respond to any stimulus. She will be scheduled to have the Speech & Language team come in two days which is the team that can determine if she is ready to start eating normally so they can remove the feeding tube in her nose which she’s made very clear she does not like at all. The health care aides today, [Redacted upon request] and [Redacted upon request], gave Jenny a very thorough hair wash and she seemed very happy about it. She still does not speak often but when she does it’s broken and cryptic. She also continues to speak in Tagalog most of the time. If she does speak English, she usually continues to say “Make it five”, “Make it seven” and “Make it ten”.

Sadly, today was the first time I heard Jenny scream in pain as the evening nurse did not know about the fragile state of Jenny’s right arm and quickly lifted it during a vitals check which made Jenny scream out loud. It was a very hard thing to witness but it confirms the state of her right arm and how painful it must be for her at all times even if she cannot move it.

Finally, today marks exactly three weeks since the day of the accident. From not knowing Jenny was even alive three weeks ago to her state now, I am forever thankful she survived but I have to mournfully acknowledge that there will be permanent damage to her and she will have to fight a continuous lifelong battle to get pieces of herself back.

As this very somber anniversary passes, I’ve been repeatedly requested by many to write about my visit to the crash site. I decided this is a suitable time to complete that request. I have now written a detailed entry about my visit to the site of the crash and the aftermath. There are pictures of her destroyed vehicle and it is very disturbing but for those who wish to read about it, it is located as the latest entry of Jenny’s Journal on this website.