Written on October 18, posted on October 20

When I was finally able to see Jenny again I noticed her cozy mitts had been on for 2 days straight. As a reminder, her left hand has been in a “cozy mitt” because she keeps trying to pull her feeding tube out. If her feeding tube comes out, so much work has to be done from so many different people just for it to be inserted back in. Someone has to clean it, someone has to insert it, someone has to make sure it entered through her nose down her esophagus and into her stomach and then they also have to throw her onto a transport bed and then bring her to an X-Ray machine on a different floor just to confirm it’s all done correctly. So the cozy mitt is necessary as Jenny likes to pull on it on that tube.

But having a cozy mitt on also means the she cannot use of her fingers from the only arm she can actually move. She often tries to scratch her head or hold onto something, but she cannot do that with her cozy mitts on but she still tries. When I’m beside her I’m able to do everything that she can’t like scratch places for her, massage her scalp or wipe her face but it breaks my heart because I know when I’m not here she is not able to do any of these things on her own.

So naturally, I ask the evening nurse [Redacted upon request]that if I’m constantly watching her, am I able to remove her cozy mitts so she can have some freedom. [Redacted upon request] says yes, as long as I watch her. So I remove her cozy mitts and the first thing she does scratch her hair. I am so happy she is immediately enjoying this freedom.

Over the next hour she fully utilizes her newfound opportunity. She is able to scratch herself, she is able to feel her own hair, she grabs onto the bed rails, she makes a fist and uses that to rest the left side of her head as she always used to do and she sometimes reaches out to me as if she wants me to hold her hand. Everytime she does that, I immediately put my hands in hers and she squeezes my hand. I am so happy for these moments.

Over the next hour, as I write away I have to keep one eye on her because of my promise to [Redacted upon request]. However, after about an hour in, Jenny has what they call in the industry as a “B.M.” which stands for bowel movement. This is a fancy word for poop. She pooped. There is a health care aide, [Redacted upon request], sitting on the other side of the drapes so I take 2 steps out and whisper “Jenny just had a BM” and as I turned around to step back… Jenny had already grabbed and removed her feeding tube.

I remember saying “Noooooooooooooooooooooo.”

Just two seconds, two measly seconds over an hour, the two seconds I turned my back to say she had a BM and I failed my only task.

I know it’s almost definitely coincidence but a part of me believes that she really may have strategically pooped so that she could remove the tube.