Written on October 17, 2023
Today was a very anxious day for me. I only finished yesterdays post at 3:29am and the last time I looked at the clock before I slept it I remember seeing 4:17am. Everyone acknowledges sleep is important and that it is a fundamental block for your body to recovering – well, everything, but I am losing the battle of responsibility as time goes on because sometimes emotions transform your sense of logic into something imaginary.
As if not enough sleep was already a heavy blow to my minimum basic functions, today also happened to be the day that my on-camera interview with CBC Manitoba was scheduled. Being on camera while also being asked hard hitting questions about everything is not in my particular set of skills (if any, for that matter) and to make it more challenging for myself I had less than 4 hours of sleep. I have no one to blame but myself and I accepted that.
I’ve never done an interview in my life before, let alone on-camera but in just one weekend I did three of them. There are so many new things happening all at once that I am being forced to learn and experience. I only hope that I am strong enough to be able to grow stronger as a person after being plunged into this side of the world and not crumble under the weight of changes and expectations.
On Saturday, October 14, I did my very first interview with OmniTV over a Zoom call and then I did an on camera interview later that same day. I am thankful for that experience because it did give me a better idea of what to expect going into this standout CBC interview.
When Brittany and Jeff arrived at 10:30am to the hotel I was feeling absolutely horrible. My only breakfast was Buckley’s cough syrup and I had very little sleep because of the monumental events of the night before and the whirlwind of emotion that kept me up. However, Brittany and Jeff were absolutely stellar in welcoming Laarni and I, making us feel comfortable and at ease almost immediately. I am so grateful and thankful that Laarni, one of Jenny’s close friends, was willing to participate in the interview with me as Laarni herself already has experience in interviews and being on camera. If you ever read this Laarni, you are a superstar and without you I would not be able to properly take on these new challenges with a level head.
As things got set up in the little corner of the hotel room I’m in, I start to realize the scope of what’s happening. Bright lights are being tested, tripods are being set up, the benches are being shifted inch by inch for the perfect angle. Jeff comes up to me and says he needs to attach a microphone to my sweater and run a battery pack behind me.
This is really happening.
I am scared, I am nervous, I am anxious and my heart is beating faster and faster that I can start to feel it beating in my neck. In all honesty I do not want to do this anymore and so naturally I begin to start panicking. As I felt the beginnings of a panic attack, I begin to remember what happened the last time it occurred. To calm me down I did the only thing I thought would help me at that time and that was asking Jenny if I could hold her hand.
And then it hit me.
I was being a revolting, pathetic excuse of a human.
Every second, every moment, she is out there fighting on her own to regain anything, literally any small thing she can get back from what she lost that day and I am here panicking over a mere interview.
There is absolutely no excuse for my lack of character and I hope one day she can forgive me for being so pitiful. I immediately realized this isn’t about how I feel at all. My feelings aren’t even a factor here.
I just simply need do to this.
For her.
And so, the bright lights turned on and as they shined right into my eyes I saw the camera turn to focus on me. Brittany poised herself, I copied her, and the interview began.
This ends my third entry of Jenny’s Journal. The interview will be broadcasted on October 17 sometime in the evening. If I ever get a direct link to it I will edit and post it here. ( https://www.cbc.ca/player/play/2274402371841 ) I do not know how I performed in the interview, but I trust Brittany and Jeff to make it work. Throughout the interview all I did was keep in mind that everything I do, I do for her and that’s what kept me from crumbling. I do all of this so she can be given her best chance to recover as much as she can. I need to lessen the burden over her other aspects of life since she lost her chance to do so. She is fighting against her own body and her own mind right now and I cannot help her with that so instead I must do everything else I can. I need her story, her journey and her struggles to be seen so that when pieces of her start coming back I can show her just how much of an impact she left on everyone she met. I can show her just how much everyone cares about her but most importantly I will be able to show her how she was never alone, even once, since that night. Jenny is still in her unresponsive body somewhere… she gave me proof yesterday and knowing that is everything to me. If you are able to, please share her story. I cannot wait to show her how many people have been waiting for her to get better. Thank you for reading today’s entry.
Jenny's Recovery 