This first week of rehab has been very difficult for Jenny and I. I am definitely feeling the burnout and I am struggling quite badly. I have begun to stop caring about myself. I no longer eat properly. I no longer rest enough. My mental state is in tatters and it’s effecting my daily interactions and honestly the feeling of “giving up” is at it’s peak. I lack energy, sleep, sustenance and am using all of my remaining strength to stay motivated to be there for Jenny everyday while trying to simultaneously keep the other obligations of life in order. I am still here keeping track of Jenny’s progress everyday so I have the information I need but her mind happens to be going through the aggressive and agitated phase of recovery so it’s been draining as she unintentionally does or says things that are painful or she makes requests that are impossible to uphold but I have to do my best. Along with the ever accumulating list of demands, expectations, participation and due diligence that is being thrown at me from all aspects of my life the everyday pile of things I need do keeps increasing and I simply cannot catch up. I feel like I am being stretched in so many directions and have so many different responsibilities that I wish the day had 36 hours instead of 24 hours so I could begin to start having enough time to catch up on what I feel I need to do. But through it all I am still consciously thankful each moment that Jenny is able to be where she is right now after going through what she’s gone through.
I’ve tried to compromise with these updates by writing for two days at a time because I am no longer capable in writing daily anymore but I’ve already failed at even that compromise after just one day because the last update was about her transfer on the night of Thursday the 16th and the first day at Riverview on Friday the 17th. I’m almost a week late in updates. But I will catch up. I will. If you’re reading this now, it means I am still currently trying to progress on writing Day Forty-Eight and Forty-Nine.
Jenny's Recovery 
I can hear your desperation in this post Steve. I’m so incredibly sorry for what both you and Jenny are facing. I understand your motivation for starting this but if you can’t maintain it give yourself the grace to say you can’t. You are under no obligation the journey is not just Jenny’s it’s yours as well as her closet and present loved one. Your dedication to her recovery is admirable.
LikeLike
Steven. It is time for a little healthy selfishness. You cannot give from an empty cup so you must refill it. I want to share two things I have learned through similar if much shorter situations. The mental stress & lack of sleep can lead to much tougher places. I have been through 2 significant periods of burnout in my time. The first one lasted over a year because I didn’t know what to do. The second one I was back within 2 months. The big thing is some exercise everyday. It doesn’t need to be major. Just more than what your doing now. For me it started as 20 minutes/day on a treadmill & grew to an hour. Not always at the same time. But movement helps burn the stress hormones off the brain and lowers the anxiety. By extension you start to sleep a little better. The second thing is healthy selfishness. Just make a little time for something that is just for you (even if it’s only every couple of days). It might be a simple as reading a book for an hour just for pleasure. The big rule is you do it for you. NO GUILT, no rationalizing it to something to help Jenny or anyone else. Just Steven. You have a right to that and honestly if you burn out completely then what will you bring to the table for any of the other people that are looking to you right now. That’s my two cents worth. Know you and Jenny are in our thoughts daily.
LikeLike
thinking about you and Jenny today. hope you find strength to live for the present. praying for the both of you
LikeLike
Steven, I hope you have taken time to look after yourself. I’ve been following Jenny’s recovery since the beginning and have been holding you both in my thoughts. This is a long haul recovery and it sounds like you are burnt out. This happens to caregivers frequently.
You cannot help her if you have no energy or health. Wishing the best for you both, and looking forward to updates in the future if you’re able to provide them.
-Kristin
LikeLike